The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
