You kept calling me your small dog last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My life is pants optional.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize