I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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