I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
