An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
