Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
