Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
