some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
