he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
