She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
