Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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