So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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