Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
