I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize