I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this boner is exhausting
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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