Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize