Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
