a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize