wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
