I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
