I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
