just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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