I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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