We need to rekindle our bromance
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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