it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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