At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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