I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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