on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
