I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
