I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
