there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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