I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
