just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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