today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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