I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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