watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
