Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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