And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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