just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
