why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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