I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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