i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
