Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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