Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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