Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
