Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sarcasm needs its own font
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
