Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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