need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
