Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
