To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think people are normalizing furries
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
