i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize