The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
