Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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