Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
