remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
