The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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