Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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