i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
