woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
