i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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