finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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