he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize