It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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